Koleksi Raya Songs 2020

Omai.. Raya again.

Takkan same old Raya songs again. Jom layan Koleksi Lagu Resipi Raya 2020 Edisi Dapur Sugu.

Wrecking Beef Balls - Maili Sairus

7 Onion Rings - Arianna Venti

Shape Of You Tiao - At Sherian

Dance Curry - Tons and Ai

Rolling In The Deep Fried Chicken - Adail

Where is the Love Letters Tin - Blek Ai Pi

Rewrite The Satays - Dari Muvi Grate Snowman

Don't Start Makan Now - Dua Lipas

You Belong With Meehoon Goreng - Teyler Sif

Ayam Sos - Jayson Mask
Datpizzadough - Loose Fonsy
Kuihkoci On The Floor - Buno Emas

Selamat Hari Raya!

It's Time To Write Again

Like this..

That day I read a book..

The story doesn't make sense. It's like Da Vinci Code.. all the numbers and symbols. It takes a genius to know what the author trying to story.

Sorry, I cant waste my brain cell to decipher this book. Maybe next time. Giving up this time.

But this trigger to write something similar.

Here I am! 35 years later!

Older, Poorer, Stupider, Weaker!

I am bag!

Adios!

Why the smell...?

Normally my house got water. After the water-rationing things going on, my house still got water.

I even wash my car, water the plant and do my laundry without any remorse although my friends keep complaining on how inconvenience it is without water.

Then that day. That day someone forward me a new schedule. The next water rationing time table.

After browsing it, I found my house area in the list. Ya, listed, but not necessary will kena one la. That's what my defunct mind says.

So, that particular Sunday morning. I woke up, hoping it's a false alarm. Turn on the tap. Voila! water is flowing like waterfall.. Haha, escaped again!

Bath can wait, play a game or two of Castlevania first!

After 2 hours of dracula fighting, I drag my ass to the bathroom and turn on the tap.

It's dry. IT'S DRY!!!

So, what do you say to bath when there is no water?

CNY Resolution

Dang! This year I missed the New Year Resolution.. But luckily I am a Chinese, there is another new year to celebrate not long after the angmoh new year.

Ok ok.. let's not waste anymore time, my 2014 CNY Resolutions ARE (please note it's a plural)...

1)  More books! Well, currently I am reading about 10 books a month.. I want to make it 50 books this year. (Replace 'month' with 'year' and divide all numbers by 10). Books include magazine but to show my sincerity, EXCLUDE newspapers.

2) Less coffee! Currently it's a cup a day. New target is.... a cup every 30 hours. It's 6 hours delay ok.. 1 day delay 6 hours, 10 days delay 60 hours, 1 year delay.. oh wow! 2000 hours. Based on my maths, it's 34.7 cups less in a year.

3) More charity! Shit looking back, I almost did nothing for charity all these while. Maybe it's time to start donating. Donating what remains a mystery up to the point of this posting.

4) Less meat! Ok, to start this off, I will cut down on wagyu beef.

5) More exercise! Currently, my frequency to the gym is once per week which I think is rubbish as in might as well don't go. Ok, now onwards, will go more than once per week! (Actually this resolution is not to be fitter, but to make my monthly payment more worthy...)

6) No Resolutions! Wait, what??

RM5

Like this..

I needed to do a minor house renovation. So I asked this contractor to come and agak agak give me a price. He came and measure measure then says will sms me a quotation.

2 days later, he sms-ed me, quoting RM745.

Being a stingy financially sensitive person, I replied, asking for some discount. I thought the rule of thumb is suggest a huge discount, then renegotiate to a good price. I asked if can settle at RM500.

He replied, 'Sorry, cannot'.

That's it. 2 words.

So, being polite, I replied, asking can give me a best price?

He replied, 'RM740'.

Makehai.. I need RM5 discount from you ah? Dowan to do dun do lah. No need like that one...

    

Minions oh minions..

After seeing all the stupid news where people fight in McD, long queues, destroy the shuttle gate and whatsnot... All I wanna say is...

YOU ALL VERY RIDIKULUS!!

For the record so that I can laugh..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu30iN1va9E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb7Y0qgQRiQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhKnCMThDVg

Adventure Time

Story is like this..

That day I need to go to 1Shamelin after work. You know where onot itu 1Shamelin. I dunno la.. So I depends on my phone GPS.

But that fateful day, I had a meeting to attend and didn't managed to charge my phone. When I was about to leave the office, my phone is showing a pathetic 30% life. I assured myself, 30% is enough lah. 

When I get into my car, only I remembered my car is low on fuel. That annoying yellow light already showing. I assured myself again, on the way sure got petrol station one. Petrol station so common kan..? 

So off I go to my adventure!

Aih.. man count, better sky count.. that day dunno why so damn jam. After driving for 30 minutes, I see the fuel level almost hit rock bottom, yet no petrol station sighted. Suddenly, a beep from my phone shouting 15% life remaining.

Keep calm. Based on my calculations of speed = velocity x wind direction, I can make it with just 15% battery life. But dunno why, after driving another 10 minutes, that bloody phone beeped again! 5%!!

As a navigator, I quickly do the next wise thing. Scroll the map to see how far I am and which junctions to turn. Haha! I am only 2 junctions away!! Yahoo!! and just before I reach the final junction, my phone slipped into coma. 

Remember my fuel problem..? I don't.

So, after finished my business in 1Shamelin, time to go home. 

Whoopss.. how to go home..? Where am I? I see only houses around me. No road signs. No phone. No fuel.

I started to follow the cars but ended up in a housing area. Die!

U-turn back and keeping an attentive eye to the fuel meter..

Suddenly, I found it! Petron!! I know la what everyone is saying boycott Petron because it's a crony etc but I am left with no choice. So, like a desert miss the rain, I dashed into the station and let my car drink like it's free..

Then a car pulled over to the pump next to mine. Without hesitation, I pop my head over and ask.. 'mister ah, how to get to the main road ah..?' He says 'ok, u go this way, reach to the end, turn right, then drive further up, you can see all the cars turn left, follow the cars turn left then you will reach the road and make a U-turn and go up the road..'

This is the first time I listen so attentively from a stranger and make mental note. I repeat the route to him again just in case I misunderstood him. That's how we Einstein learns last time. Anyway we discuss Einstein next time. 

So, I carefully trying to remember the route and alas, I am on the a familiar road leading home.

Leesen, Lemme Speaking..

These few days ah, all Muniandy, Ah Choy and Ayob also knows the mamak lady kasi taruh itu girl at UUM for voicing her opinion regarding Bersih/PTPTN. I must say, the mamak lady deserved an award for acting like a total asshole. Is there an award for that? Yah, the same one my boss is nominated for also.

Anyways, the mamak lady engrish is quite good. So for the benefits of you all whose engrish is half bucket, let me summarized what she barks ya..

She says,

"Leesen x11, this is limpeh program limped give u speaking. But when limpeh speaking you leesen.

Lemme speaking x7. Limpeh got gip her respect? Limpeh come and shake her hand. Means limped got give her respect you know.

You no same same maraysia with other country. If you same same maraysia with other country, why u still doing in maraysia?

You student more intelligent than me. Limpeh only O-level. You must mingpak what is demonstrasi democracy. You must mingpak what is a babi anaki. You must mingpak what is 3 persons in one place. (shit la, now I go lunch time with my keliks more than 3 persons also i think of her stupid face).

Best part..

Cats got problem. Wanna eat chicken bone, kena kicked.

Dogs got problem. Cannot speak.

Cow, goat got problem. Big dy kena killed.

Fish got problem. We pick fai of them then put inside aquarium.

Bird got problem. We tie their legs then *do a retarded act and say ark ark ark*.

Most problem is shark. We eat shark fins soup."

That's mostly what she said. Most idiotic speech ever, and tak kena mengena at all with the girl's mia comments.

duno the girl in orange tudung got problem onot..
misaiman, very funny meh? Or you dun understand engrish one?

On a serious note, it's quite sad she got applauses from the student on her speech. It's either the students actually dun really understand engrish, or.. ermm.. can't think of any other reasons tim.

Faith in humanity is not restored in UUM.

Looking forward to see what's next for this mamak lady. 

Adios!

Twelve of December Twenty Twelve

Like this.

That day my colleague asked me if I have any celebration on 12/12/12.

I told her no. She says she will be celebrating with her family by having a good dinner. I asked her why. She says 12/12/12 comes once in a lifetime.

The next day I asked her again if she is celebrating 13/12/12.

She says no but I told her isn't 13/12/12 also comes once in a lifetime...?

Now you know why I don't have friends.

Hidden Message

Saw this print ads in one of the property development office, reflecting the current project they are in.

Well, are they building a city of lesbianism..?

Guidelines on Writing a Resolution

I know one. Every time new year sure wanna do something stupid like writing a resolution. This is some simple guidelines how to write one and sure will achieve one.

1) Set a target how many resolution(s) you plan to achieve. Be realistic. Setting too many will always results in failure. The rule of thumb is if you set 20 previous year, but only achieved 12, 80% discount it. That will be the correct number of resolutions you should set.

2) Set something achievable. If you can't play the piano, refrain from setting a resolution as 'Can Play Mary Had A little Lamb by 31 Dec 2013'. Or if you can't swim, avoid stuff like 'Get a set of bikini (trikini if you are gunipok)'. Try to be sensible. If you wanna learn a new musical instrument, starts by a triangle. Do not over-estimate your ability.

do not look down at this complicated instrument. ask mr pythagoras

3) Always double check your spelling/grammar in your resolutions list. This is to avoid any confusion when you look at it few months later. Example, 'This year I will try to eat more, my friends' is different from 'This year I will try to eat more friends'. 

4)  Do a milestone check. Suggested milestone is every 3 months. It's ok to amend the resolution if you think it's impossible to achieve. The important thing is not to force yourself but achieving it comfortably. Example:

January: To plant 4 types of vegetable.

April: To plant 4 2 types of vegetable.

July: To plant 4 2 types of vegetable something.

October: To plant 4 2 types of vegetable Eat something green.

That's it! With these 4 guidelines, I am sure everyone is an achiever!! Thanks me later.

Btw, here's my resolution for 2013!

The Great Escape

The sky is gloomy. Rain is waiting to unleash his fury.

I was thinking, is it the end, or the beginning? No answer. The situation is tensed. There are many people around me, but I can only sense soulless bodies. I can only sense anxiety. And fear. And pain.

There is always hope.

Will it happens again? I am guessing this is what playing in everyone's head. The last time it happened was not many days ago. It’s chaos. It’s dramatic. It’s sad. It gives more questions than answer. Should we take the leap of faith, or stays calm and wait for the sunshine. Nobody can answer that. Nobody.

I look at my watch. It’s 4pm. I keep telling myself we should not be bounded by time. This is the new world. We set the time, not the time set us. We want freedom! We want peace! We want liberty! Every minute is moving slower than ever. 5 minutes is like 5 hours. God, why am I being punished? Am I not a good servant?

Sky will fall. Someday.

I cannot waste anymore time. Now or never. I grabbed my haversack and look at the soulless body before turning my back to them. Goodbye my comrades. We’ll meet again. Maybe not in the same situation. But we will definitely meet again.

‘Woi Sinkar, wanna rain like that you wanna go back meh? Later jam like that day you know! Summo now only 4pm, later boss find you how?’

Failed. I rest my haversack on the desk again before resuming my duty.

I will try again. Until my next victorious escape, I will never give up.

Never.

Things To Do For Post Apocalypse

Congratulations to all of us who survived the 21 Dec 2012 acopolis acapalise apocalips apocalypse. Since none of us are dead, here is a list of suggested stuff to do:

1) Continue to pay your monthly installment. Yes, you think December is going to end everything and skip all your house loans and car loans? Now it's the time to go to the bank and settle the outstanding before they come and take away your stuff.

2) Credit transfer. Again, because it's the end you go and max out your credit card on useless stuff? Now it's the time to seek advice on how to pay that RM30,000 multi purpose gym set.

3) Say sorry. To who? To all the people you hate and because you think the end is near, you go and splash red paint on them, or their cars or their house. Or put a spider in their shoes. Or shred their important documents.  

4) Do a health check. I am sure because of the end, you went and eat all those food that you will not eat because of health reasons, like Deep-fried Sneaker Bar topped with creams and sprinkle of marshmallow with chocolate syrup.

5) Planning. On how to finish that 10 big tins of biscuits, 20 packs of instant noodles, 5 guni of rice, 24 boxes of mineral water and other similar dried food.

6) Look into the mirror. Yes, you are an idiot if you think the world will end on 21 Dec 2012.

Kung Fu Stances

Last time when I was a kid, I used to play kungfu with my brother after watching those TVB kungfu drama. To avoid injuries, we chereographed our own movement so that none of us cry and the other one will kena wollap by parents. Nowadays, with so many kungfu movies, have you ever wonder, how practical are those moves if not carefully chereographed? Let's do some analysis:

1) Drunken fists

Wah this one if Jackie Chan do dem power. But, drunk oredi leh, still can fight meh? Oklah, alot of fights in the bar are started by those stupid drunkards. But most of the time it's cincai punch here and there or sometimes punching the air. In order to learn this you need to be like 68% drunk and 32% sober.. Hard leh.. Then after fight how to go home? Sure kena road block. Muka sial oredi and bau arak. Balik balai. Oh ya, it's religious unfriendly too!

Polis: Apesal muka sial dan bau arak?
Jackie: Oh, tadi gaduh, guna drunken fists!
Polis: Waseh terer!
Jackie: Jom, i tunjuk camna buat basic mia drunken fists.
Polis: Best jugak! Balai citer. Jom.

2) Mantis stance

Seriosly? Can a mantis fight? Imagine grasshopper. Not that 3 napeks la. Those green insects. Imitating the movement of a mantis can win ah? Most is just hopping away to some bushes and slowly hail a cab to go home watch tv.

Look at Kungfu Panda's Master Mantis. Not sure about you but I think anyone can just step on him anytime :P



3) Shaolin 18 bronze men

Ha! Nowadays to get 4 people sit down play mahjong also difficult and this still needs 18 fellas to fight together? What if 1 mc? Need to tell the opponents, 'sorry ah boss, 1 fella lausai can't come, can postpone ah?' Summore 18 fellas learn something together. What's the odd of success?

4) Snake stance

Can mimicking the snake movement with the hand wins? I know snake is dangerous but it's becos of the venom. Let's say the snake now got no venom la.. still dangerous meh? Worm is more dangerous becos can wriggle into your ear..

Maybe yes if your fingernails are like this.

If not how on earth will the opponent get scared with just the hand movements and some hissing sound?

5) Dragon stance

This one lagi dunno how.. Nobody sees a dragon before. Chinese dragon la.. not dinosaurs la. If nobody sees a dragon before, how they know how a dragon fight? And if really got dragon lah, normally the dragon fight with what? Ultraman?

6) Monkey stance

I dunno about you but when someone act like a monkey infront of me I will laugh. Imagine scratching head and butts and occasionally do a monkey sound. Oh, maybe this one can just prance onto the enemy when they are laughing! Aiyah, if got such skill better work in palm oil estate la. Petik kelapa sawit. More money.

So how? Which one you wanna learn?

ps: this is for entertainment purposes only. if you know any of the mentioned stances and can kill with just one punch, dun look for me.

Got Sifatt!!

Dun be so hamsap, it's just that girl's in white singlet geh armpit jek ok!

Emergency Flowchart

Okla okla.. since u guys always say this blog provides useless info, here is something useful k..




Next time you know wht to do during emergency.

Dun say anymore this blog is useless ya!

How crappy..

Adios!

credit: that chart is taken from this website.

Wot iz dis..?

I saw this in FB. Someone is selling (or providing service) on the mini stage for malay weddings (called pelamin)..




One glance I tot this is a chinese graveyard.. :(

How crappy..

Adios.

Crappy

I've got alot of stuff to write but dunno where to start..



How crappy..

Adios.

My Friend, Stiff

Once upon a time..

After my form 5, me and a few friends went to work temporarily while waiting for our SPM results. The office is not really huge, but that time was their peak period. So they got a few temp staff to clear off their work. While working, we got to know another temp staff by the name of Steve. Steve is 2 yrs older than us and he is waiting for his STPM result.

Since Steve is just about our age, he joined us for lunch every day and somehow we were like buddies.

One day, one of my friends asks him, ‘So Steve, actually I wanted to ask you this question forever. Your name is spelt S-T-E-V-E, or S-T-I-F-F?’

Steve felt abit weird, and replied, ‘S-T-E-V-E la… where got ppl name STIFF one? D’uh!!’ (not exact word but something like that). We were all laughing, not sure at my friend’s stupid question, or Steve’s reaction of being asked a stupid question.

Now fast forward 15 years later..

Steve, if you are reading this…







REALLY GOT PEOPLE NAME STIFF ONE OK!!!

Clarification: The one who asked that question is NOT me!

See, I where got sinkalan you?

Siao!

The other day as usual I am hanging around with my buddies at my area. Then suddenly came 2 strangers seated nearby us. One guy and one girl. The girl mumbles something to that guy after seeing us and both giggles. Siao.

The guy use his finger and pointed at me. And move his finger, like instructing me to follow him. He think what? We stupid ah? Just use your finger and point point thinking we will follow? Siao.

Then the girl pointed at my friend, saying his eye is fake. What fake? My friend’s eye is a bit bigger but how can she be so insensitive and says his eye is fake? Siao.

After a while, they started eating. At first, it’s ok as they are just eating lump of rice but later we realized they are eating something funny inside the rice! We can sense what they are eating is so wrong! This is outrageous!! Siao!

They are eating our relatives :(













This is most likely what that red fish thinks while we chomped down the sushi next to that aquarium..

Eh, I no sinkalan you one ok.

How crappy.

Adios.